Why not continually phone up local newspapers with your opinions about that week's news and then sound all sad and confused when it is explained that the newspapers do provide a letter's page for that, but not a fucking answering service?

Why not then say you can't write a letter on your own because your eyesight is bad and then when it is suggested you get someone else to write the letter, like a family member or neighbour, for instance, reply that you haven't got anyone, even though you obviously have because they're prompting you, loudly, in the background?

And why not then reluctantly hang up only to dial the same bastard fucking number, instantly, thinking there is a cast of thousands at the other end of the line who unlike the first person to answer do actually provide some kind of typing pool service for lazy pensioners?

DO NOT spread yourselves around me like a gaggle of seagulls with beak ache, rifle through the free newspaper and exchange your opinions on the least interesting stories, spray each other with perfume, laugh so loud that your wigs wobble, bully the only male in the group until he uses the emergency hammer to break the glass and throw himself out of the window or tut about anybody so much as an hour younger than you. Thank you.